Catching up on #NovermberBlogFest

I’ve missed a couple days of #NovemberBlogFest

and I honestly don’t feel that guilty.

My last post was pretty heavy… and I had a couple friends reach out with encouragement and prayers. I appreciate those moments when I see Relational Excellence coming into fruition.

Either way… I needed a couple days to process my thoughts. And yes, writing is a way of processing my thoughts, but they were too raw to expose over the last couple of days. I’m all for authenticity, but I wasn’t able to be fully vulnerable.

I texted a friend earlier in the week, saying that I’m “praying against resistance and depression, while asking for strength and endurance.”

That pretty much sums it up. I’m coming back to life… and yet still processing a lot. Prayers are still appreciated.

So, here I am.

Earlier this morning, I had an image of rolling away the stone of my heart as I pushed this blinking line across the screen. I thought it would be magnificent and wonderful… I thought I’d have an epiphany beyond normality… I thought I’d hear something click.

But no.

I’m listening to the voice of my daughter, who is lying in bed, saying that she “doesn’t want to go to sleep” in the most whinny tone imaginable. It’s unreal.

I’m emotionally drained. I think the past 3 days and the intense conversations I’ve had, have taken the Extrovert in me and thrown him to the curb. I’m spent, as some would say.

So, here I am.

Not knowing what to write. Not knowing how or if I’ll find the passion to continue working.

What’s this road block that I keep stumbling over? Is it my book? Is my stone soul so big that it occludes my connection w/ Christ? Or am I just so deep down into depression or apathy that I can’t find my way out, and I’m using x, y, AND z as an excuse?

Ugh.

Morning Prayer

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside

You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek

Stars hide your fires,
And these here are my desire
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found
with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul

But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

—

Mumford and Sons “Roll Away your Stone”

can’t structure a simple sentence

So, I skipped the #NovemberBlogFest post from yesterday, just because I was so tired and feeling extremely dry.

This season of blogging has been a very vulnerable experience for me. I know that I’ve only written a couple posts, but my desire is to be authentic. So far, I’ve discovered a lot and I’m having difficulty determining what I should share, compared to what I need to share… And the, of course, what I’m afraid to share.

Having coffee w/ a good friend this afternoon, I voiced how I believed my soul SLASH ministry writing is basically stone. NOT stone in the contexts of cold or hard, but with a connotation of being immovable.

Because…

Somewhere deep inside my mind, I think I solidified my work and it’s going to take an effort to be vulnerable, authentic, and raw for my passion to reemerge again.

And I’m not sure where that will come from.

Last spring, I made sure that a mere 30 minutes was carved into the 24hour day to devote to writing and ministry work.

Now, I can’t find the energy, or the passion, to structure a simple sentence.

Maybe I shouldn’t compare.

I don’t know.

Either way, I’ve discovered that I have a stone soul.

Something to process through, I guess.

I don’t connect w/ Nature

I’m staying at the beach…. And this is my view.

And I don’t connect to God through nature.

As we walked out on the beach, I had to tell myself to not talk… And just listen.

Listening is difficult for me… Just like reading w/out analyzing narrator, tone, characters, or style. It’s a habit for me to talk through prayer, to confess my short-comings, and to slip into offering a list of my wants, desires, or dreams.

I stopped and listened to the waves of the ocean, trying to grasp the vastness of the ocean.

And yet connecting to God didn’t happen.

I did, however, realize that I must “awaken my soul”

Yes, we listened to Mumford and Sons this morning and “Awake my Soul” played loud and clear.

It became my prayer. I need to wake up my soul.

So… That’s my next task… Figuring out what my soul looks like now… in this time… in this place in my life… in these relationships… in this time of ministry writing.

Prayers Appreciated.